Bear Grylls - Survival Expert

Dear Bear


                   I have seen many of your survival shows and have also seen the shows where you take unwitting celebrities into potentially hostile conditions. After watching you scale the fabulous Matterhorn foothills with Miranda Hart, I got hit with a sudden wave of inspiration. An idea which I was surprised you and your production team hadn't investigated before.


The idea is simple, a show/series in which you use members of the public, with no previous experience of survival, and put them into challenging situations. This could be a one on one with you or could be a small group of people who you train in the basics, and they then have to spend a certain amount of time surviving together in the wilderness under your watch. 


As an avid watcher of your Man vs. Wild shows, I personally think this would make an extremely entertaining and enlightening show which would appeal to millions of people. Also, as this is technically my idea, I believe that I should be the first person with which you try this new show structure.


I truly believe that I would be able to bring my loveable and bubbly personality to the screen to enable the pilot show to succeed on an international scale. I have many of the desirable characteristics needed for survival, I am in a mild state of fitness, I will eat almost anything (as long as its been cooked properly and doesn't look strange), I can sleep anywhere including Travel Lodge.


Another good quality I have is that I have all the equipment already. My current state of survival pack includes;


Backpack - Brand new from Argos £9.99 in the sale
Water Bottle - Slight Crack but still usable
Walking Shoes - Reebok Classics
A Big Coat - Found somewhere
Strong Trousers - Army Print from Cadets
Spare Shoe Laces - Wilkinsons own brand




As far as destinations are concerned, I think somewhere like the Caribbean, Australia, Spain or even Portugal would be suitable as they offer remote looking filming locations near to 5* accommodation which I think is perfect for this type of trip. 


                                                          Love From
                                                                                Ray Mears


P.S - If you need a new backpack I can get you one from my local Argos as long as you reply soon

Nuts Magazine

Dear Nuts Magazine

                         I purchased an issue of your magazine from my local supermarket. Thrilled that I had finally found a magazine that shared my passion. 


However, when I opened the magazine I was horrified at what I saw in front of me. I had expected thrilling reviews on how to plant, grow and harvest varying types of nut ranging from the common Peanut to possibly other more extravagant nuts such as the Kobb nut of even the elusive Macadamia nut. 

In reality, I got something totally different. Before my eyes lay pictures of shameless girls wearing nothing but pants (some even less than that). I decided to quickly turn the page on from Lucy and Stacey dressed as farmers hoping that it was merely a ploy to encourage younger people to take an interest in nuts....I was wrong. This mindless filth was continued through the entire magazine ranging from a clearly photoshopped "Emma" posing as a house maid to a truly horrific scene off Brandy and Erika licking colourful shots of each others naked bodies.


I am utterly disgusted with your magazine and request that the name is changed to ensure that no other nut enthusiast, such as myself, is to fall foul of such a cleverly orchestrated scam.


                                                Yours Sincerely


                                                         Bill

MailOnline

Dear MailOnline

I am writing to you with sincere concern about the quality of some of your science articles. I say some when I really mean one. Not to say that the others are scientifically intellectual, however this one has flagged an almighty concern with me as it has the ability to reduce the intelligence level of our public so that they are little more than puppets. 

My concern was aroused when I was reading one of your articles in the ironically named "Science" section, which I now realise conforms more to propaganda science of UFO's and "God Particles" than anything of any substance. That, however, is  for another email. So back to my story, here I was expecting to further my knowledge of current science events from around the globe, when I stumbled across an article entitled "Cosmic merry-go-round: Scientists discover fastest-rotating massive star ever recorded". 

As I started to read through the article I was deeply disappointed at the incorrect facts which were stated in said article. The first image was a graphical representation of a star in the universe. Albeit a very aesthetically pleasing image, and hats off to the creator and his/her skill at creating graphics, it is not what concerns me. What concerns me is the caption below it that reads, and I quote "A team of scientists has found the fastest-rotating massive star ever recorded. The star spins at 600 kilometers per second, a rotational velocity so high that it's nearly tearing apart due to centrifugal forces". The part of this statement which is worrying has been underlined, however if you are unable to read it, I will reiterate. It talks about "Centrifugal" forces, which anyone with a basic amount of knowledge of Physics would know is completely incorrect. The force actually produced is the reaction force to the centripetal acceleration (and yes you can quote me on that if needed).

It is both puzzling and worrying that your science journalists and editors seem to have no understanding of science as if they did they would know the basics of Physical Mechanics and the correct terminology. If you need more help please refer to a popular website with more accurate information at www.wikipedia.com 

If at all possible I would like a reply to see if any action has been taken on my feedback. If changes are made to the page I would greatly appreciate an email reply with the link posted.

It has been a pleasure to write this and I hope an equal pleasure to read.

Yours Faithfully

    Avid Reader

Link to page - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2071263/Cosmic-merry-round-Scientists-discover-fastest-rotating-massive-star-recorded.html

Hyper Smash

Halifax

Dear Halifax


             I am writing to you to inform you that i shall soon be using your London branch to deposit a large sum of money.


On arrival to the establishment it would be extremely nice of you to provide a welcome party. this party has to by no means be extravagant and is not something which will influence my decision to deposit such a large sum into an Halifax account.


If a party is arranged it need only be a small buffet spread including my favourite foods such as peanut butter and chocolate spread sandwiches or possibly egg and cress, although be warned that egg and cress gives me chronic wind. I think that it would also be suitable for a minor celebrity to welcome me in along with the CEO of the corporation. Such minor celebrities include; Emma Watson, Adele, or if your feeling cheap Kerry Katona


I would like to thank you for reading this email as I have spent weeks agonising over which bank I am able to trust with my £10 and after a long process of elimination Halifax has come up on top. I think you should all give yourselves a pat on the back.


                Yours Sincerely
                          
                           Bill


p.s can you make sure Howard is not part of the welcome party as his eyes scare me